Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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