My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
