Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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