Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize