I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
