Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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