im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
