Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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