My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
