i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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