Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
