Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
