I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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