I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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