I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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