I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fuck appropriateness.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
