Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
