take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
