It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And my parents said I crawled through the house
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
