You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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