Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
