Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
