Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
