I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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