FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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