Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
