Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
