Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
