What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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