Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I touched a dick in church today
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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