How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
