i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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