Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
