i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
