Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
