overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
