i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
