theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
