i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
