i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
