break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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