I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
