I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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