At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
