He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My vagina just clenched in fear
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
