doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
