I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
