I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
