i don't like sucking hair
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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