Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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