I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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