He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
