What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
