I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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