Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I skipped work to stalk him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
