I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
birth control should be required to get into college
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
