My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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