Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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