Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
